The Art of Urinal Selection

When a guy walks into the men's room he surveys the scene and makes a snap decision. In the grand scheme of things, this decision means absolutely nothing. He won't remember it the next day. He won't care about it as soon as he's out of the bathroom. But at that moment, in that restroom, it is absolutely the most important decision he could possibly make. He must choose a urinal.

Women just don't realize that this even happens. Guys don't talk about it, they just do it automatically. The man surveys the bathroom layout and that's all it takes. Millions of years of evolution have prepared us to make an incredibly complex decision in just an instant. It is mainly based on just one rule: At no time does a man ever, EVER want to be immediately next to another man while using a urinal. As you'll see below, there are other factors, but this is by far the most important.

We at The Men's Room Bible will do our best to analyze and evaluate bathroom configurations to help assist you with this important decision, allowing you to draw on what you've learned here to decide more efficiently and to reduce your restroom stress levels.

Let's start with a simple example of a bathroom urinal configuration:


Note that there are three urinals, one low, two high. Ladies, if you didn't know, the low urinal is always on the end. For future use, I'm going to call this a "Low-High-High" configuration. Note that I have simplified things by not including walls or sinks or anything.

In this case, the man faces three urinals, all unoccupied, and must decide which one to use. He has three options:

1. Use the urinal in the middle:

This would be the ideal choice for the "King of the Restroom" feeling: There were three urinals, and I had the power to choose any of them, so I chose the mighty urinal in the middle. Do not disregard the draw of centered urinals. There is a certain power associated with being in the center.

Now, that being said, here's where the math comes into play. As soon as another man comes into the bathroom, you're screwed. No matter which of the remaining two he chooses, you're going to have a neighbor, and that's not good. This urinal is only a good choice when you don't expect company.

2. Use the urinal on the right:

This urinal gives you some outs in case you expect company. The next man into the bathroom will at least be left with an option to take the low urinal, which will give you some distance. Now, admittedly, he will have a tougher choice than you did, because he can't have the best of both worlds. He either chooses the low toilet (explained below) and a safe distance, or a grown-up toilet that's too close to you. By taking this urinal, you are relenquishing "King of the Bathroom" status to create space. The next man into the restroom should at least understand this, even if he avoids the low toilet. He may have the "King" position, but he'll know you gave him his power.

3. Use the low urinal on the left:

This is an intriguing option. As a tall guy, I never, ever consider using the low urinal, unless absolutely necessary. Frankly, the logistics of it don't work so well for me - there's far too much of a margin of error when the stream must travel that distance. Furthermore, it is immasculating to use a small urinal, especially when you had your choice of two other normal height urinals.

With that said, there is absolutely no way the next man into the restroom will choose the middle urinal. You are again relenquishing status, but this time you guarantee distance. If you're secure enough to use the low urinal, this is the place for you! Of course, if somebody really short (or a child) comes into the bathroom, you will feel like a tool for taking the only urinal they could have possibly used. A small price to pay for privacy.

So that's the basic Low-Low-High configuration. Which toilet would you pick? Did I miss anything? Let me know!