Summer Urinal Tip: Sandals

One would think that summer can't be stressful, what with the beautiful weather, the long relaxing vacations, and the way the extra light just eases away all those tensions of the dark, dreary winter. In the men's room, however, summer brings extra stress. You see, men break out sandals for the summer. And sandals mean exposed toes at urinals.

Now, in spite of the many years of evolution in the urinal manufacturing process, urinals are just not splatter proof. Every once in a while, you feel a little bit of your own drippings hitting your sandaled feet. And guys, let's face it - we just don't care. It'll dry off, and our feet smell enough for odor to not even be an issue. No big deal. Unless... it's somebody else's.

No man ever wants to be touched by another man's pee. Period. This isn't even a commandment - this is just common sense. Years and years of territorial peeing have bred this fact into male mammals. My pee: good. Your pee: bad. It's simple enough. You need more information? See if a male dog can pass something another male dog peed on without giving it a sprinkle of his own. If that dog hasn't had a drink in two weeks, he'll still muster up enough of a sprinkle to hose down the other dog's mark. Our nature is strong, my friends.

Anyway, it's bad enough to be at a urinal immediately next to another man. Having him there AND having to worry about him sprinkling urine on your toes? Trust me, you'll have EVEN MORE motivation to avoid urinal neighbors.

The Men's Room Bible suggests that if you do find yourself standing next to another man, you can modify your stance a bit. Move the foot on his side toward the center of the urinal. You'll have to slide your other foot back a bit to maintain balance, but it's worth knowing that the only moisture you'll feel on your feet is your own.

Oh, and if you find yourself with exposed toes and two urinal neighbors? Well, then we suggest you pee fast and pray. Hey, we are a bible, you know!

From the Internet: Urinal Reading Material

"If there is a newspaper on the wall in front of you, do not read it. Newspaper companies want you to read and lose your concentration, thus peeing all over yourself and needing more newspaper to clean the whole mess up. Damn fascists."

- T.J. Monkey's Comedy Extravaganza and Sports Bar Complex

The Two Commandments

What would a Men's Room Bible without Commandments? Well, given what we have so far (which admittedly isn't much) I think it goes without saying that the first two commandments of the Men's Room is:

1. Thou shalt not urinate immediately next to another man.

2. Thou shalt not draw attention to thineself

This Men's Room Bible is in the making, so we reserve the right to modify the commandments, yadda, yadda, yadda. You know - the same disclaimers that Moses used.

Look, No Hands!

There is a gentleman at my office who I have taken note of for one reason and one reason only: his bathroom behavior. Every time I see this gentleman in the restroom, he draws my attention - an absolute no-no for the men's room.

This man walks up to the urinal, undoes his belt, and undoes his pants such that no hands are necessary for him to perform the task at hand. He then sticks his hands in his back pockets, and without fail, loudly releases some pent up gas before completing his task. The "hands in back pockets" position is unusual enough. The monster fart puts him over the top.

As far as I know, men's room etiquette dictates that there is one and only one acceptable position for urinating:


The standard urinating position, as pictured, means arms at sides, elbows in (to maximize the space between yourself and neighbors), face forward (or down, I believe both are acceptable), hands near your equipment. If you are proud of the fact that you can pee without using your hands, good for you. Keep them near the action so you can get away from the urinal as quickly as possible when done.

The hands in back pockets position...


...is totally unacceptable. For one, you're drawing attention to yourself. It's hard enough for men to use the restroom without looking at anyone else. Who wants some idiot to be showboating? Secondly, take note of the horizontal space occupied by a urinator in this position. WAY too close to the other urinals. Keep those elbows in!

As for the farting? Personally, I think if you're going to let one rip like that, you have to hit a stall.

What do you think? Are other urinal positions acceptable? Should the sounds of gas be strictly limited to the confines of a stall? Share your opinions!

The Art of Urinal Selection

When a guy walks into the men's room he surveys the scene and makes a snap decision. In the grand scheme of things, this decision means absolutely nothing. He won't remember it the next day. He won't care about it as soon as he's out of the bathroom. But at that moment, in that restroom, it is absolutely the most important decision he could possibly make. He must choose a urinal.

Women just don't realize that this even happens. Guys don't talk about it, they just do it automatically. The man surveys the bathroom layout and that's all it takes. Millions of years of evolution have prepared us to make an incredibly complex decision in just an instant. It is mainly based on just one rule: At no time does a man ever, EVER want to be immediately next to another man while using a urinal. As you'll see below, there are other factors, but this is by far the most important.

We at The Men's Room Bible will do our best to analyze and evaluate bathroom configurations to help assist you with this important decision, allowing you to draw on what you've learned here to decide more efficiently and to reduce your restroom stress levels.

Let's start with a simple example of a bathroom urinal configuration:


Note that there are three urinals, one low, two high. Ladies, if you didn't know, the low urinal is always on the end. For future use, I'm going to call this a "Low-High-High" configuration. Note that I have simplified things by not including walls or sinks or anything.

In this case, the man faces three urinals, all unoccupied, and must decide which one to use. He has three options:

1. Use the urinal in the middle:

This would be the ideal choice for the "King of the Restroom" feeling: There were three urinals, and I had the power to choose any of them, so I chose the mighty urinal in the middle. Do not disregard the draw of centered urinals. There is a certain power associated with being in the center.

Now, that being said, here's where the math comes into play. As soon as another man comes into the bathroom, you're screwed. No matter which of the remaining two he chooses, you're going to have a neighbor, and that's not good. This urinal is only a good choice when you don't expect company.

2. Use the urinal on the right:

This urinal gives you some outs in case you expect company. The next man into the bathroom will at least be left with an option to take the low urinal, which will give you some distance. Now, admittedly, he will have a tougher choice than you did, because he can't have the best of both worlds. He either chooses the low toilet (explained below) and a safe distance, or a grown-up toilet that's too close to you. By taking this urinal, you are relenquishing "King of the Bathroom" status to create space. The next man into the restroom should at least understand this, even if he avoids the low toilet. He may have the "King" position, but he'll know you gave him his power.

3. Use the low urinal on the left:

This is an intriguing option. As a tall guy, I never, ever consider using the low urinal, unless absolutely necessary. Frankly, the logistics of it don't work so well for me - there's far too much of a margin of error when the stream must travel that distance. Furthermore, it is immasculating to use a small urinal, especially when you had your choice of two other normal height urinals.

With that said, there is absolutely no way the next man into the restroom will choose the middle urinal. You are again relenquishing status, but this time you guarantee distance. If you're secure enough to use the low urinal, this is the place for you! Of course, if somebody really short (or a child) comes into the bathroom, you will feel like a tool for taking the only urinal they could have possibly used. A small price to pay for privacy.

So that's the basic Low-Low-High configuration. Which toilet would you pick? Did I miss anything? Let me know!

Welcome!

Welcome to The Men's Room Bible. Lately, I've been thinking about men's room etiquette and decision-making more than any sane human should, so I figured I should do something with it... like share my thoughts with the world. I'd explain the topics I plan to discuss here, but hopefully it'll make more sense to just follow along with what is posted.

As time goes on, I hope this site will become a comprehensive reference on the topic of men's restrooms. I know you think about this stuff. Now you have a place to share and find out what others are thinking as well.

I do not know everything there is to know about restroom etiquette. I will be very clear about this. I expect this to be a group effort - your comments are welcome and encouraged. Please join in and share your thoughts and opinions.

Let the fun begin!